I listened to the tension

of what happened

and what could have

happened.

For three years

I fastened myself to that couch

in that apartment,

learning

that if I don't create life

then life will bleach

like a photograph

left in the sun.

I gained what I wanted.

I became alone and I became

external freedom.

And now,

it is simply me,

inside this body,

wondering how to feel

an emotion

that isn't terror

or rage.

The next sun sets,

and I lift my hand

out,

palm up.

Perhaps awaiting

the arrival

of myself

will be peaceful.